Mara, this is so well-written. I aprpeciate you sharing these deep thoughts.
I grew up in China as part of the last one-child-policy generations in the late 90s. Like me, 95% of my childhood friends were also the only child. While this wasn't a choice for many families at the time, including mine, most of us had a very happy childhood with deep friendships akin to sibling relationships, many of which have lasted to this day.
We'd visit each other's homes regularly after school and over the summer for meals and sleepovers. We often joined one another's family trips and outings. I learned the importance of sharing, cultivating, and building relationships through these experiences, which have benefited me well in adult life. A child certainly doesn't need to learn those values by having siblings.
Yes, there were certainly a lot of family of threes, but it didn't mean we limited our social life within the family units.
Despite what others have said to you, your son will have a very happy upbringing because you are so thoughtful about creating these experiences for him beyond your own household.
Thank you so much, Yuezhong! Thanks for sharing about your childhood. I agree -- the key is expanding networks of relationships beyond nuclear families. And I think that's true for families of all types! <3
As a fellow mother of an only child, I felt this deeply. I worried so much when she was little that she was not going to learn the lessons that children learn from their siblings and I was told so many times that she was going to be weird. But guess what? Now she is 16 and she is weird in the most wonderful ways - just like all 16 year olds. She also has received the benefits of her dad's and my undivided attention when she needs it (and often when she doesn't), we have been able to travel as a family to places that we could not have if we had more kids, she's been able to do whatever activities she is interested in because we aren't scheduling for more than one. I know that I am biased, but she has had a pretty sweet childhood. There is still a part of me that wonders what it could have been like if we had more kids, but that wasn't in the cards for us and that's OK.
Really resonated with this piece, even though I have two kids!! I had always thought I’d be one and done. And while I adore my second kiddo and that decision was right for me for many personal reasons — the narratives that only children are lacking or that nuclear families need to look a certain way is just so rooted in patriarchy and dumping social expectations on women to do yet more labor.
Co-sign 100%. There are SO many types of families.
And the fact that I, as a white woman married to a man and our biological child, get pushback — well, it only speaks to how challenging those expectations can be for families who are further from the “nuclear norm”
As a physician mom to an only child (also a wild 4 year old boy), every part of this rang so true to me. Man it drives me crazy when my (mostly male) patients comment on me needing more children. STFU please and thank you. I sometimes also share the same pangs and what if’s you do so want you to know you aren’t alone. We had/have so many of the same considerations your family did and I really think it allows us to feel much more grounded in our decision making.
Mom of 3 kiddos here. You can NEVER win. Dont have kids - “you are selfish.” Have one kid - “you are going to ruin that child.” Have more than one - “don’t you know the world already has too many people?” It seems like someone always has a critique. Thanks for the great article!
Having had my first and only child at 42, it was a relief to finally get to the point where people would stop asking me when I was going to have kids, as if it was any of their business. But soon after, I was being admonished not to wait too long to have the next one because, after all, I’m already geriatric. And yes, I was told that my kid would be weird and all that. He’s now 12 and absolutely weird as can be…which is awesome!
We also started our family late, and settled on one child. In fact, during the first few years, we'd look at each other and wonder how anyone ever decided to have a second child! There is plenty of research that illustrates that only-children do not suffer from a lack of siblings. For our daughter, it meant she was good at reaching out to others in groups --she could make a friend on the first day of any summer camp or class. And we also opened our home to any and all of her friends --we were the place to hang out. She's now a wonderfully smart, well-adjusted, compassionate, loving 25 year old. Children are harmed by many things, but being an only-child isn't one of them.
Important topic to be talking about, and only by having conversations can we understand and break free of programming that may not have usefulness. I have two boys, and come from a family of four kids. It can be nice to have a brother or sister, but there are many good formulas for family and having a flourishing life. But I didn’t learn to censure myself when talking to others until I realized just how difficult it actually is to have a baby. Many try and cannot. Many have private stories (my wife and I do) that should remain private, and when we ask someone else about their choices, we should have some awareness of what we do not know. 🙏
My one-and-done is now 32 and married. He has always been a kind, caring person and is still as inventive and creative as he was as a little boy. We got lots of critical feedback from friends, family and complete strangers. But with one, they become better sharers because they don’t have to share their toys; they have an excellent vocabulary because so many of their interactions are with adults; they have more opportunity for quiet time to imagine and create; they are easier to travel the world with giving them an opportunity to learn tolerance and patience as they explore other cultures and the ups-and-downs of travel. We became the home many of his friends preferred to hang out in after school because they were never bothered by younger siblings or bossed around by older ones. No child is perfect but my only nearly died at 15 due to an 8+ year diagnostic odyssey. I believe he lived and thrives now because I could devote my time and attention to solving his medical mystery. A sibling would have either been a distraction or felt neglected and that would have been sad. So, stick to your decision and feel free to quote me to your patients.
I love that you name how intentional you get to be— and how raising kids to be relational takes effort, not just siblings! I’m an only child and definitely know we aren’t socially awkward weirdos!
Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I originally wanted more than one, but the way our daughter came into the world was terrifying, and I just couldn't face doing it again. Turns out, having only one has been wonderful. I feel like our family of three is so strong and so close, in a way that my large family wasn't when I was a kid. It's always great to hear from other 1 kid parents!
Such a great post - thank you to whatever that brought me here!
I have two girls (4 and 2) and I can see why people always say "why only have one?" At first, I think it is because it is a nice conversation starter. We're all a little awkward at the start right?
But then I also find that most people have default thinking. Kiwi must be green, ducks must be yellow sort ... they don't ask why enough.
Anyway, having one kid is a wonderful choice and I love how much attention you can give to this tiny human. We have two now and some relatives (well cultural thing) are bombarding us with "Why not have a son? Why not have one more?" Ouch.
I loved this, Mara. I have a ton of friends with one child, but I haven't thought much about if it was an intentional choice or how it impacts their life differently than parents with more than one child.
Yeah! I think there's generally just more openness, overall, to "non-traditional" family structures: single parents, same-sex parents, adoptive parents, surrogacy, child-free families, all of the above. But the obsession with the heterosexual nuclear family (and 2.1 kids within it) still runs deep.
I felt moved by this article, and I'm desperate for a second child! But all your reasoning is so accurate and your intention to create a community and all those experiences to your only child makes a lot of sense. As you probably know already, there's absolutely no evidence that being an only child is associated with any specific traits, so all that nonsense about only children being more selfish or socially inept is just that, nonsense. I'm an only child myself but I was fortunate to have developed close relationships with my cousins and with school friends so I don't feel like I missed out socially. And I have had opportunities (to travel, to progress in my education, to have financial support from my parents) that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
Having said all of this, I do feel like I missed out on the sibling bond. I would love my own child to experience that. Being expats with all family abroad our little nuclear family also gains an extra significance, so I would love to expand it. But if for some reason it doesn't happen, I firmly believe in all the positives you mentioned.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful note, Sara! I think family building is so intensely personal — for example, one person’s reasons for staying child-free can make perfect sense, but not be right for me.
I do think relationships of all types are important, and important beyond the nuclear family! <3
Yes! We can understand someone else's reasons, see that it makes perfect sense, and still feel differently personally and choose a different way. I think it's a sign of maturity, to be honest :)
My husband and I went through a painful difference in desires to have another kid after our only son was born. Almost immediately after giving birth, I was bowled over by an intense drive to have another kid. It was like something latent had awoken with a vengeance.
We had agreed on having "at least one kid and then we'll see how we feel". Which seemed so reasonable. But then there was no reasoning with me, and I kept up a small hope for years until it became necessary to accept that it wasn't going to happen. I spent a long time both grieving and holding out hope, and it was harder than just fully accepting that we were not going to have another child..
I got really comfortable when people would ask me if I was having another saying, "Well, I wanted another one, but my husband didn't, and that's kind of a decision we'd have to agree on". It was the absolute truth, but never felt too heavy or personal to say (admittedly, I'm not the most private person) and it did the trick of shutting down further conversation unless I felt close enough with the person to elaborate.
I don't mind people asking questions about my family structure, but the judgment of how a prospective only child will turn out is so bizarre. I think talking more openly about fertility, loss, and the economics of children is ultimately a net positive!
I have nothing to say about your reproductive choices (because they are yours!) but I have a lot to say about being an only child - because I am one. And for most of my life, I totally loved it.
As my parents get older and we are geographically far, I occasionally want a sibling who can pop over and check in more frequently than I can. But I still would want to be my parents' #1 favorite child, so I don't think you're allowed to want siblings if you intentionally relegate them to 1. tasks only 2. the B team.
I will say as an only child my tolerance for boredom and my self-sufficiency is excellent.
I will also say that siblings (until very recently) have been superfluous to requirements, but community is critical. I'm still plus/minus on a sib, but I desperately want more non-blood-related aunties, cousins, great-uncles, etc. This is not quite the same thing as wanting more friends or more mentors. For example, I don't need to like them. In fact mildly disliking some very-extended family is part of the charm! But community - the rich network of various connected relationships (some of which you can't properly trace back to anything, because they've sort of always been there like a familiar barnacle) feels really valuable. I hope you and your family have plenty of that.
Mara, this is so well-written. I aprpeciate you sharing these deep thoughts.
I grew up in China as part of the last one-child-policy generations in the late 90s. Like me, 95% of my childhood friends were also the only child. While this wasn't a choice for many families at the time, including mine, most of us had a very happy childhood with deep friendships akin to sibling relationships, many of which have lasted to this day.
We'd visit each other's homes regularly after school and over the summer for meals and sleepovers. We often joined one another's family trips and outings. I learned the importance of sharing, cultivating, and building relationships through these experiences, which have benefited me well in adult life. A child certainly doesn't need to learn those values by having siblings.
Yes, there were certainly a lot of family of threes, but it didn't mean we limited our social life within the family units.
Despite what others have said to you, your son will have a very happy upbringing because you are so thoughtful about creating these experiences for him beyond your own household.
Thank you so much, Yuezhong! Thanks for sharing about your childhood. I agree -- the key is expanding networks of relationships beyond nuclear families. And I think that's true for families of all types! <3
As a fellow mother of an only child, I felt this deeply. I worried so much when she was little that she was not going to learn the lessons that children learn from their siblings and I was told so many times that she was going to be weird. But guess what? Now she is 16 and she is weird in the most wonderful ways - just like all 16 year olds. She also has received the benefits of her dad's and my undivided attention when she needs it (and often when she doesn't), we have been able to travel as a family to places that we could not have if we had more kids, she's been able to do whatever activities she is interested in because we aren't scheduling for more than one. I know that I am biased, but she has had a pretty sweet childhood. There is still a part of me that wonders what it could have been like if we had more kids, but that wasn't in the cards for us and that's OK.
Thank you so much for sharing all this, Andy!!! It gives me hope! :)
Really resonated with this piece, even though I have two kids!! I had always thought I’d be one and done. And while I adore my second kiddo and that decision was right for me for many personal reasons — the narratives that only children are lacking or that nuclear families need to look a certain way is just so rooted in patriarchy and dumping social expectations on women to do yet more labor.
Co-sign 100%. There are SO many types of families.
And the fact that I, as a white woman married to a man and our biological child, get pushback — well, it only speaks to how challenging those expectations can be for families who are further from the “nuclear norm”
As a physician mom to an only child (also a wild 4 year old boy), every part of this rang so true to me. Man it drives me crazy when my (mostly male) patients comment on me needing more children. STFU please and thank you. I sometimes also share the same pangs and what if’s you do so want you to know you aren’t alone. We had/have so many of the same considerations your family did and I really think it allows us to feel much more grounded in our decision making.
💯💯💯🔥
Mom of 3 kiddos here. You can NEVER win. Dont have kids - “you are selfish.” Have one kid - “you are going to ruin that child.” Have more than one - “don’t you know the world already has too many people?” It seems like someone always has a critique. Thanks for the great article!
Yes yes yes. There is no way to win. Misogyny and judgement is at the core of all of this.
Having had my first and only child at 42, it was a relief to finally get to the point where people would stop asking me when I was going to have kids, as if it was any of their business. But soon after, I was being admonished not to wait too long to have the next one because, after all, I’m already geriatric. And yes, I was told that my kid would be weird and all that. He’s now 12 and absolutely weird as can be…which is awesome!
Oh man.... None of that is appropriate. It's just generally not a great idea to comment on someone else's fertility choices. :/
We also started our family late, and settled on one child. In fact, during the first few years, we'd look at each other and wonder how anyone ever decided to have a second child! There is plenty of research that illustrates that only-children do not suffer from a lack of siblings. For our daughter, it meant she was good at reaching out to others in groups --she could make a friend on the first day of any summer camp or class. And we also opened our home to any and all of her friends --we were the place to hang out. She's now a wonderfully smart, well-adjusted, compassionate, loving 25 year old. Children are harmed by many things, but being an only-child isn't one of them.
❤️
Important topic to be talking about, and only by having conversations can we understand and break free of programming that may not have usefulness. I have two boys, and come from a family of four kids. It can be nice to have a brother or sister, but there are many good formulas for family and having a flourishing life. But I didn’t learn to censure myself when talking to others until I realized just how difficult it actually is to have a baby. Many try and cannot. Many have private stories (my wife and I do) that should remain private, and when we ask someone else about their choices, we should have some awareness of what we do not know. 🙏
Absolutely 💯
My one-and-done is now 32 and married. He has always been a kind, caring person and is still as inventive and creative as he was as a little boy. We got lots of critical feedback from friends, family and complete strangers. But with one, they become better sharers because they don’t have to share their toys; they have an excellent vocabulary because so many of their interactions are with adults; they have more opportunity for quiet time to imagine and create; they are easier to travel the world with giving them an opportunity to learn tolerance and patience as they explore other cultures and the ups-and-downs of travel. We became the home many of his friends preferred to hang out in after school because they were never bothered by younger siblings or bossed around by older ones. No child is perfect but my only nearly died at 15 due to an 8+ year diagnostic odyssey. I believe he lived and thrives now because I could devote my time and attention to solving his medical mystery. A sibling would have either been a distraction or felt neglected and that would have been sad. So, stick to your decision and feel free to quote me to your patients.
I love that you name how intentional you get to be— and how raising kids to be relational takes effort, not just siblings! I’m an only child and definitely know we aren’t socially awkward weirdos!
Absolutely. All relationships take effort - just having biological siblings doesn't mean that those relationships are effortless. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I originally wanted more than one, but the way our daughter came into the world was terrifying, and I just couldn't face doing it again. Turns out, having only one has been wonderful. I feel like our family of three is so strong and so close, in a way that my large family wasn't when I was a kid. It's always great to hear from other 1 kid parents!
That is SO great to hear, Megan ❤️❤️❤️
Such a great post - thank you to whatever that brought me here!
I have two girls (4 and 2) and I can see why people always say "why only have one?" At first, I think it is because it is a nice conversation starter. We're all a little awkward at the start right?
But then I also find that most people have default thinking. Kiwi must be green, ducks must be yellow sort ... they don't ask why enough.
Anyway, having one kid is a wonderful choice and I love how much attention you can give to this tiny human. We have two now and some relatives (well cultural thing) are bombarding us with "Why not have a son? Why not have one more?" Ouch.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Of course! I love the topic of family and parenting so much haha
That I created a parenting playbook to guide my family 🤣
https://kevonc.notion.site/Kevon-s-and-Lydia-s-Parenting-Playbook-1226108c589e809f846bda8ccd83334f?pvs=4
I loved this, Mara. I have a ton of friends with one child, but I haven't thought much about if it was an intentional choice or how it impacts their life differently than parents with more than one child.
Yeah! I think there's generally just more openness, overall, to "non-traditional" family structures: single parents, same-sex parents, adoptive parents, surrogacy, child-free families, all of the above. But the obsession with the heterosexual nuclear family (and 2.1 kids within it) still runs deep.
100%
I felt moved by this article, and I'm desperate for a second child! But all your reasoning is so accurate and your intention to create a community and all those experiences to your only child makes a lot of sense. As you probably know already, there's absolutely no evidence that being an only child is associated with any specific traits, so all that nonsense about only children being more selfish or socially inept is just that, nonsense. I'm an only child myself but I was fortunate to have developed close relationships with my cousins and with school friends so I don't feel like I missed out socially. And I have had opportunities (to travel, to progress in my education, to have financial support from my parents) that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
Having said all of this, I do feel like I missed out on the sibling bond. I would love my own child to experience that. Being expats with all family abroad our little nuclear family also gains an extra significance, so I would love to expand it. But if for some reason it doesn't happen, I firmly believe in all the positives you mentioned.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful note, Sara! I think family building is so intensely personal — for example, one person’s reasons for staying child-free can make perfect sense, but not be right for me.
I do think relationships of all types are important, and important beyond the nuclear family! <3
Yes! We can understand someone else's reasons, see that it makes perfect sense, and still feel differently personally and choose a different way. I think it's a sign of maturity, to be honest :)
My husband and I went through a painful difference in desires to have another kid after our only son was born. Almost immediately after giving birth, I was bowled over by an intense drive to have another kid. It was like something latent had awoken with a vengeance.
We had agreed on having "at least one kid and then we'll see how we feel". Which seemed so reasonable. But then there was no reasoning with me, and I kept up a small hope for years until it became necessary to accept that it wasn't going to happen. I spent a long time both grieving and holding out hope, and it was harder than just fully accepting that we were not going to have another child..
I got really comfortable when people would ask me if I was having another saying, "Well, I wanted another one, but my husband didn't, and that's kind of a decision we'd have to agree on". It was the absolute truth, but never felt too heavy or personal to say (admittedly, I'm not the most private person) and it did the trick of shutting down further conversation unless I felt close enough with the person to elaborate.
This all makes total sense! It's a complex decision
Your response is so thoughtful and honest.
I don't mind people asking questions about my family structure, but the judgment of how a prospective only child will turn out is so bizarre. I think talking more openly about fertility, loss, and the economics of children is ultimately a net positive!
I have nothing to say about your reproductive choices (because they are yours!) but I have a lot to say about being an only child - because I am one. And for most of my life, I totally loved it.
As my parents get older and we are geographically far, I occasionally want a sibling who can pop over and check in more frequently than I can. But I still would want to be my parents' #1 favorite child, so I don't think you're allowed to want siblings if you intentionally relegate them to 1. tasks only 2. the B team.
I will say as an only child my tolerance for boredom and my self-sufficiency is excellent.
I will also say that siblings (until very recently) have been superfluous to requirements, but community is critical. I'm still plus/minus on a sib, but I desperately want more non-blood-related aunties, cousins, great-uncles, etc. This is not quite the same thing as wanting more friends or more mentors. For example, I don't need to like them. In fact mildly disliking some very-extended family is part of the charm! But community - the rich network of various connected relationships (some of which you can't properly trace back to anything, because they've sort of always been there like a familiar barnacle) feels really valuable. I hope you and your family have plenty of that.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Vicky!!! Hearing stories like these helps me feel confident in our decisions. ❤️