I really really REALLY want my kid to be free range and for the other adults in his life to yell at him. I think that would really help our relationship. Other people telling him that he can't just go into traffic besides me, yeah, it's not just me making up arbitrary rules!
We tried some version of this with parents in our neighborhood and slowly ran into the American culture wars problem. You don't have to dig deep to find how political scientists have found correlations between parenting style and overall political preferences because values and how the internet amplifies all kinds of things.
So, when I watch the other parents talk to my kid I disapprove of the values they inadvertently pass on that I don't agree with. For example, one dad who is very serious about traditional gender roles once told my son "you are going to be a big man, you can't act like that" when he got frustrated (this dad is also big on spanking and authoritarian parenting for his own kids). And on the flipside, the parents don't understand when I ask the kids to talk to each other about their arguments instead of devolving into name calling. I had a different parent askl me "what do you expect them to do at school? They can't just talk it out on the playground." And I was flabbergasted because their solution was to tell their kids that if someone calls you names, you hit them. I'm not even going to get into the problem of guns being kept in the homes.
Needless to say, we are sunsetting these several relationships and guess what that means? More screentime.
Yeah, what's with random adults feeling like they can and should make those kinds of statements to kids? But yeah, with all this talk about parental burnout and us needing to help each other out more, I have to say, involving more adults in my parenting is giving me more stress, not less. I don't think that sheltering my kid from people of other values is the answer, but these this also tend to come hard and fast at the end of a long work day with a long commute. I'm tired. I'm not as resilient as I aspire my son to be.
As a mom of those unsupervised older free-range children: I WANT other parents to step in, guide, direct - and yes, when necessary yell - at my kids. I trust my kids, but they are growing and learning and will make mistakes. I hope if I’m not there, someone will care enough about them to step in.
But therein lies the rub - which I think you get to so eloquently, Mara! - how and why matter. If you are coming from a place of guidance and care, great! Where I have seen it go awry is when adults are chastising and humiliating other people’s children, with the apparent goal of belittling. This isn’t to say kids might not feel embarrassed, but that should never be the objective.
So by all means - if my kids a swerving into traffic or upsetting your youngster, let them know! I say thanks for helping me raise a good human.
Thank you for sharing this! As you know, you are my IRL mom mentor about how to raise independent, resilient kids. Thanks for all your thoughts about this.
Ooooh... Look forward to listening. I have read a number of critiques of his work, and I'm very interested in alternative perspectives.
As a primary care physician, I take care of a LOT of patients (including teens) with anxiety and depression, and I have lots of questions about the way we conceptualize these disorders within our medical framework, and the quality of Haidt's data and his jumping to conclusions about causality.
So I'm here for some skepticism.
That being said: I notice the way my own smartphone makes me feel. I notice the way it affects my relationships, my engagement in the physical world around me. I notice the way smartphones change my relationships with the teens and young adults in my life. That data is qualitative and experiential, but it's real, and frankly I'm quite concerned about it.
I really really REALLY want my kid to be free range and for the other adults in his life to yell at him. I think that would really help our relationship. Other people telling him that he can't just go into traffic besides me, yeah, it's not just me making up arbitrary rules!
We tried some version of this with parents in our neighborhood and slowly ran into the American culture wars problem. You don't have to dig deep to find how political scientists have found correlations between parenting style and overall political preferences because values and how the internet amplifies all kinds of things.
So, when I watch the other parents talk to my kid I disapprove of the values they inadvertently pass on that I don't agree with. For example, one dad who is very serious about traditional gender roles once told my son "you are going to be a big man, you can't act like that" when he got frustrated (this dad is also big on spanking and authoritarian parenting for his own kids). And on the flipside, the parents don't understand when I ask the kids to talk to each other about their arguments instead of devolving into name calling. I had a different parent askl me "what do you expect them to do at school? They can't just talk it out on the playground." And I was flabbergasted because their solution was to tell their kids that if someone calls you names, you hit them. I'm not even going to get into the problem of guns being kept in the homes.
Needless to say, we are sunsetting these several relationships and guess what that means? More screentime.
Oh my gosh, so many thoughts to consider there!
Yes, once I had a guy in a park start telling my son he shouldn't be using a pink scooter because that was for girls. Not awesome.
But also part of raising a resilient child is that I hope my son has strong enough values that he can think critically about a statement like that!
Thanks for sharing. This stuff is so hard.
Yeah, what's with random adults feeling like they can and should make those kinds of statements to kids? But yeah, with all this talk about parental burnout and us needing to help each other out more, I have to say, involving more adults in my parenting is giving me more stress, not less. I don't think that sheltering my kid from people of other values is the answer, but these this also tend to come hard and fast at the end of a long work day with a long commute. I'm tired. I'm not as resilient as I aspire my son to be.
Makes sense!.
As a mom of those unsupervised older free-range children: I WANT other parents to step in, guide, direct - and yes, when necessary yell - at my kids. I trust my kids, but they are growing and learning and will make mistakes. I hope if I’m not there, someone will care enough about them to step in.
But therein lies the rub - which I think you get to so eloquently, Mara! - how and why matter. If you are coming from a place of guidance and care, great! Where I have seen it go awry is when adults are chastising and humiliating other people’s children, with the apparent goal of belittling. This isn’t to say kids might not feel embarrassed, but that should never be the objective.
So by all means - if my kids a swerving into traffic or upsetting your youngster, let them know! I say thanks for helping me raise a good human.
Thank you for sharing this! As you know, you are my IRL mom mentor about how to raise independent, resilient kids. Thanks for all your thoughts about this.
I’m curious what you think about this read of Haidt’s work if you ever get a chance to listen (and feel like listening!). https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/if-books-could-kill/id1651876897?i=1000664706439
Ooooh... Look forward to listening. I have read a number of critiques of his work, and I'm very interested in alternative perspectives.
As a primary care physician, I take care of a LOT of patients (including teens) with anxiety and depression, and I have lots of questions about the way we conceptualize these disorders within our medical framework, and the quality of Haidt's data and his jumping to conclusions about causality.
So I'm here for some skepticism.
That being said: I notice the way my own smartphone makes me feel. I notice the way it affects my relationships, my engagement in the physical world around me. I notice the way smartphones change my relationships with the teens and young adults in my life. That data is qualitative and experiential, but it's real, and frankly I'm quite concerned about it.